Emailed to me. I just loved it. Wanted to share:

Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the
morning, Satan shudders and says, ‘OH SHIT… SHE’S AWAKE!’

I thought this was somewhat tasteful. Funny if you consider Bush’s knowledge on other countries and their cultures.

So, Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.

“Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today.”

Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries his
face in his hands, muttering “My God…My God”.

“Mr. President,” says Cheney, “we lose soldiers all the time, and it’s
terrible. But I’ve never seen you so upset. What’s the matter?”

Bush looks up and says…”How many is a Brazilian?”

Once again, sent to me by my loving sister. I hope you enjoy it. I laughed as I could see this actually happening. ROTFLMAO!

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, ‘I have a Praise.’ Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.’

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, ‘Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation . They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim’s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.’

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, ‘Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor’s say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.’ All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked slowly to the podium. He said, ‘I’m Jim and I want to tell my wife, the word is sternum.’

I just loved this and even though we all know that being a housewife would certainly be preferable to being a prison inmate, I thought you would get a chuckle out of it while comparing the two.

In prison, you get three square meals a day.

At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it.

In prison, you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.

At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can’t sleep without his latest lego creation.

In prison, you get to watch TV, cable even.

At home, you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable.

In prison, you can read whatever you want and attend college for free.

At home, you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years.

In prison, all your medical care is free.

At home, you have to pawn your mother’s silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.

In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.

At home, you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave.

In prison, you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day.

At home, you get to clean your space and everyone else’s space, too, and what the heck is free time again?

In prison, you get your own personal toilet.

At home, you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you’re done so you can do something for them.

In prison, the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.

At home, you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else’s, and get yelled at because somebody’s favorite shirt isn’t clean.

In prison, they take you everywhere you need to go.

At home, you take everybody else where they need to go.

In prison, the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing.

At home, you have to lug around everybody else’s stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar.

In prison, there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn’t.

At home….stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?

I think I qualify now for old fart jokes seeing that I am 50 now. Here’s a cute one:

Going the Wrong Way

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang. Picking up, he heard his wife, her voice high with anxiety, warn him, “Henry, I just saw on the news that there’s a car driving the wrong way on Highway 880. Please be careful!”

“One?” replied Henry, “You’ve got to be kidding me. I see at least a hundred!”

I have not quite had this happen but I have come close.

Stranded

On duty as a customer-service representative for a car-rental company, I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn’t know the make of the car he was driving. I asked again for a more detailed description, beyond “a nice blue four-door.”

After a long pause, the driver replied, “My car is the one on fire.”

Cute one from Reader’s Digest.

 Checkout Restrictions

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the checkout line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, “So which six items would you like to buy?”

15. Republicans sleep in twin beds–some even in separate rooms. That is why there are more Democrats.

My sister sent this to me in the email this morning and thought it worthy to post on here. Do not know the origin, so just read and enjoy it!

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a person to use the internet and he won’t bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky … not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to C riticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut save you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought For 2008 :
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-Cow disease is located among millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven’t got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration.

I found these someplace. Wish I could remember where. They are funny and if you have had problems keeping your resolutions, you should be able to keep a few of these!

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

40. Never make New Year’s resolutions again.