I found these someplace. Wish I could remember where. They are funny and if you have had problems keeping your resolutions, you should be able to keep a few of these!

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

40. Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.

10. You’ve used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.

Santa Annual State of the Pole Address:
To: All Elves, Employees, and Sleigh personnel:
From: Santa Claus, CEO

The usual large flamboyant typeface associated with the seasons
greetings has been downsized this year commensurate with the trend toward corporate downsizing. [And the fact that SMTP does not support typeface control]

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

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Cute.

Dear Santa,

Listen you fat troll, I’ve been saving your bacon every year, being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in December and dressing in fake Channel at sappy tea parties.

I hate to break it to ya Santa, but it’s payback time. There had better be some changes around here, or I’m gonna call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust me, you don’t wanna be around to smell it.

These are my demands for Christmas 2007:

1. Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I’m sick of looking like a hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt? I don’t suppose you do.
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o molded underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man… I don’t care if you have to go to Hasbro to get him, bring me GI JOE. Hell, I’d take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that pathetic bump of a boy-toy Ken. And what was up with that earring anyway? HELLO!?
4. It’s about time you made us all anatomically correct. Give me arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. ‘Nuff said.
6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher don’t cut it. I want to make real money.
8. A new, more 90’s persona. Maybe “PMS Barbie”, complete with a pint of cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips.
9. No more McDonald’s endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl complexion.
10. Mattel stock options. It’s been 39 years - I think I deserve a piece of the action.

Considering my valuable contribution to society and Mattel, I think these demands are reasonable. If you you don’t like it you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It’s that simple. As ever,

Barbie

Hilarious top 10 internet addiction signs. I especially like numbers 3 and 7. Enjoy!

1. You kiss your girlfriend’s/boyfriend’s home page.
2. Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
3. Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
4. You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
5. You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
6. You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular-modem and a laptop.
7. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap… and your child in the overhead compartment.
8. All you daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8… ISDN… cable modem… T1… T3…
9. And even your night dreams are in HTML.
   
10. You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word processor.com.

Credit: cartoon credit to Super Fast Computer

Credit for list: ???